Checked Out

I check people out. Each and every day, I check out people. Some of the checking out is for my job (Besides working for USDA ARS, I also work at a Publix supermarket where I checkout customers). But, some of the checking out I do is not for my job. Sometimes, I "check out" women with shapely bodies. I do not mean that I only glance their physical attributes. Rather, I gaze upon them with lust. It is wrong for me to do that. I am not only filling my mind with impure thoughts, I am also disrespecting the women, and sinning against God. I have realized this for a long time. Yet, I have continually justified my lust in order to satisfy my sickening appetite (In a pathetically ironic way, this appetite is insatiable: the more I devour the more I desire). I had ignored my conscience for so long that I ceased to feel remorse over my lustful thoughts. What I never realized until now, was how the women feel when they are the victim of my lust.
Near the end of my shift at Publix, I was counting down my cash register. One of my friends told me that for the last several minutes someone had been checking me out. As it turns out, one of the customers who regularly comes through my line had been looking me up and down for about a whole minute while I was counting out the money. At first I felt awkward and a little uneasy, though taking pride in the fact that someone thought me attractive. But when I was told more, everything changed. The customer who had been eyeing me with a queer smile was another male! I felt so violated; I felt ashamed and disgusted that I had been the object of his sexual desire. While I had done nothing wrong, I felt filthy and defiled inside and out. The rest of my evening was miserable. I was literally sick to my stomach out of shame and embarassment. It was then that I realized how severely I've wounded so many women. I was violated once by one man, but women deal with the same thing innumerable times each day. As I realized this, I was broken with the sickening realization of how I have sinned against so many women; stripping them of their true beauty only to manipulate their flesh in my mind. It would be impossible for me to restore all the damage. I can only apologize for what I've done and strive to treat all woman with the respect and honor they deserve. If I have looked upon you with lust, I am truly sorry. It was wrong of me to violate you in such a way. Please forgive me for the shame and hurt I have caused. I pray that every time I am tempted to lust after a woman that I would remember how is feels to be an object of desire.