My Hardening

I was just reading a prayer newsletter from Voice of the Martyrs. You can receive updates as well if you go to persecution.com and sign-up. Each week I read stories about my brothers and sisters who are suffering and even dying for their faith. Yet I feel so distant from them. I don't know what it is like to be verbally assaulted because of Jesus, much less be physically harmed. And the more I hear about those who are suffering, the more calloused I become. Sometimes I simply delete the newsletter because I do not want to have to think about them. But ignoring their suffering does not make it go away.

What a shame it is that I am able to live in such a state of denial! Honestly, how could anyone go on their merry way when they know what I know. Maybe it is because I am not personally affected by their pain, maybe it is because they are so far away, maybe it is because I choose to harden my heart. The thing that saddens me most is how disconnected I am. I am disconnected from my suffering brothers and sisters, I am disconnected from the dying world, and most of all, I am disconnected from my Savior.

A long time ago, I used to care. I used to ask the Lord to soften my heart. I would pray that I could see the world through my Father's eyes, who looks with compassion upon the nations. I used to say that the deeper one knows God the more empathy they would have for others. I used to care. Now, now I don't give a damn. The only one I care about it me. I walk through my day, follow my schedule, spend time with my friends, and then do my work, and get my sleep. What a miserable waste of life! If only my heart would beat for someone other than myself.

Is it too late for me? Have a followed my own path for too long? Can I find my way back, or am I beyond hope? I don't know. My heart feels very hard and it is getting heavy. I want to be pure again. I want to feel compassion again. I want to give a damn. I want to hear the Lord speak and to feel His presence. I want to obey. I want to have a soft heart that beats as one with my Father. I want to freely follow Him wherever He leads. God I want to live again! I want that passion I once had, that consuming flame of zeal. That pure faith that followed undoubtedly after my Savior.

I've had enough catechism and doctrine to last me a lifetime. I don't want to talk about it anymore, I don't want to theorize about it anymore, I don't want to argue and nitpick about it anymore. I don't care about religion. All the religion in the world never saved a single soul. I want Jesus Christ. I want to know Him. I want to walk beside Him and know His life. I want to know his suffering, I want to know Him in his life, death and resurrection. That is all I care about.

I came to Covenant so that I would be equipped to engage my world for Christ. Maybe I should have just followed my heart. As I look back at the last three years and see where I have come, I wonder if maybe I made the wrong choice. In coming to Covenant I entered a bubble. I became a part of a community that is secluded from the world. My heart withered and my zeal fizzled out. I have felt the spiritual depression weighing heavily on my soul. As I look at our spiritually inbred community I am torn. My heart aches to boldly proclaim the gospel but I fear that it will be ignored as trite. We of all people should get it! In am place where the hope we have in Christ is daily proclaimed, yet I am overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness. We are the pharisees of this age. We can discuss the ins and outs of the doctrine of election, yet we don't lift a finger to reach out to the lost. We argue all the sides of limited atonement but refrain from sharing about Christ's sacrifice. We philosophize about the paradox between free will and God's sovereignty, while souls are perishing oblivious to the gospel. How did we become so disconnected? How did I get so lost?