http://missiontomonterrey.blogspot.com/
Mission to Monterrey
Go check out the blog for our mission trip to Monterrey! I'll be going with the Covenant College soccer team.
Helpless?
I love the Sabbath! I am constantly amazed when I see the work of His hand in all the great things, like the cool crisp air and the bright clear sky. Yet I am even more touched by His attention to the seemingly insignificant. I love how the Lord knows exactly what I need to hear.
Today at Rock Creek Fellowship Pastor Eric spoke about helplessness. Interstingly enough, he had prepared an entirely different sermon but decided to give this message instead. The scripture came from Psalm 86, where David cries out to the Lord. Eric pointed out an enlightening paradox. That thing about myself that I most detest is actually one of my greatest strengths. This sounds weird but it is true. It is only when I am helpless that I open my heart to God. That which I detest in myself is what brings me to my Father's feet.
I don't have any trouble seeing my own inadequecy, it is readily apparent. My problem is that instead of allowing my helplessness to drive me to my knees, I fight all the more frantically to stand on my own strength. I realize how dense I am, but I must constantly be reminded to surrender to the Lord. As Eric said, "helplessness spurs on prayer." God places frustrations in my life to impel me to pray.
Now that I understand what is going on, I feel like such a fool. God doesn't call me to be strong and stubborn as I battle. On the contrary, He beckons me to admit my weakness, and rely on Him to fight for me. I've come to realize that the harder I struggle on my own, the worse off I end up. If I can just learn to rely on Him from the start I will forego a lot of heartache.
Today at Rock Creek Fellowship Pastor Eric spoke about helplessness. Interstingly enough, he had prepared an entirely different sermon but decided to give this message instead. The scripture came from Psalm 86, where David cries out to the Lord. Eric pointed out an enlightening paradox. That thing about myself that I most detest is actually one of my greatest strengths. This sounds weird but it is true. It is only when I am helpless that I open my heart to God. That which I detest in myself is what brings me to my Father's feet.
I don't have any trouble seeing my own inadequecy, it is readily apparent. My problem is that instead of allowing my helplessness to drive me to my knees, I fight all the more frantically to stand on my own strength. I realize how dense I am, but I must constantly be reminded to surrender to the Lord. As Eric said, "helplessness spurs on prayer." God places frustrations in my life to impel me to pray.
Now that I understand what is going on, I feel like such a fool. God doesn't call me to be strong and stubborn as I battle. On the contrary, He beckons me to admit my weakness, and rely on Him to fight for me. I've come to realize that the harder I struggle on my own, the worse off I end up. If I can just learn to rely on Him from the start I will forego a lot of heartache.
His Whisper
Years ago I heard the Lord speak to me. I was prostrated by His glory. The radiance of His holiness was blinding, white hot like the sun. Before the Lord I become keenly aware of how insignificant I was. Everything within me screamed unworthy! You cannot be in the presence of utter holiness without being terrified by your own impurity. I fell on my face and basked in His presence. While I was shouting unworthy, He was whispering that He loved me. I could not understand why He loved me. I was detestable in His sight, yet He embraced me with His love. Oh, the warmth of his presence! To sit upon His lap and be embraced by His mighty arms. To rest my head upon my Father's breast. To be still and know He is God. To rest in His wonderful presence.
I clearly remember Him speaking to my heart. He wanted me to share this love that I had tasted. He had changed me forever when He touched my heart. From that moment I knew I would never be the same. He was calling me to share the gospel to the nations!
Now, I look back on that day. I have grown older and maybe wiser. But I have also wandered away. I have heard His call and turned my back. I have become cynical and jaded. I have hardened my heart, ignoring His still small voice. And every now and then I hear a whisper. It is faint now and almost imperceptible. But He is still calling me. Though I may have given up hope, He has remained faithful. I am still unworthy and He still tells me I am loved. I feel so far from Him and all I want is to come back and rest in His presence.
I clearly remember Him speaking to my heart. He wanted me to share this love that I had tasted. He had changed me forever when He touched my heart. From that moment I knew I would never be the same. He was calling me to share the gospel to the nations!
Now, I look back on that day. I have grown older and maybe wiser. But I have also wandered away. I have heard His call and turned my back. I have become cynical and jaded. I have hardened my heart, ignoring His still small voice. And every now and then I hear a whisper. It is faint now and almost imperceptible. But He is still calling me. Though I may have given up hope, He has remained faithful. I am still unworthy and He still tells me I am loved. I feel so far from Him and all I want is to come back and rest in His presence.
My Hardening
I was just reading a prayer newsletter from Voice of the Martyrs. You can receive updates as well if you go to persecution.com and sign-up. Each week I read stories about my brothers and sisters who are suffering and even dying for their faith. Yet I feel so distant from them. I don't know what it is like to be verbally assaulted because of Jesus, much less be physically harmed. And the more I hear about those who are suffering, the more calloused I become. Sometimes I simply delete the newsletter because I do not want to have to think about them. But ignoring their suffering does not make it go away.
What a shame it is that I am able to live in such a state of denial! Honestly, how could anyone go on their merry way when they know what I know. Maybe it is because I am not personally affected by their pain, maybe it is because they are so far away, maybe it is because I choose to harden my heart. The thing that saddens me most is how disconnected I am. I am disconnected from my suffering brothers and sisters, I am disconnected from the dying world, and most of all, I am disconnected from my Savior.
A long time ago, I used to care. I used to ask the Lord to soften my heart. I would pray that I could see the world through my Father's eyes, who looks with compassion upon the nations. I used to say that the deeper one knows God the more empathy they would have for others. I used to care. Now, now I don't give a damn. The only one I care about it me. I walk through my day, follow my schedule, spend time with my friends, and then do my work, and get my sleep. What a miserable waste of life! If only my heart would beat for someone other than myself.
Is it too late for me? Have a followed my own path for too long? Can I find my way back, or am I beyond hope? I don't know. My heart feels very hard and it is getting heavy. I want to be pure again. I want to feel compassion again. I want to give a damn. I want to hear the Lord speak and to feel His presence. I want to obey. I want to have a soft heart that beats as one with my Father. I want to freely follow Him wherever He leads. God I want to live again! I want that passion I once had, that consuming flame of zeal. That pure faith that followed undoubtedly after my Savior.
I've had enough catechism and doctrine to last me a lifetime. I don't want to talk about it anymore, I don't want to theorize about it anymore, I don't want to argue and nitpick about it anymore. I don't care about religion. All the religion in the world never saved a single soul. I want Jesus Christ. I want to know Him. I want to walk beside Him and know His life. I want to know his suffering, I want to know Him in his life, death and resurrection. That is all I care about.
I came to Covenant so that I would be equipped to engage my world for Christ. Maybe I should have just followed my heart. As I look back at the last three years and see where I have come, I wonder if maybe I made the wrong choice. In coming to Covenant I entered a bubble. I became a part of a community that is secluded from the world. My heart withered and my zeal fizzled out. I have felt the spiritual depression weighing heavily on my soul. As I look at our spiritually inbred community I am torn. My heart aches to boldly proclaim the gospel but I fear that it will be ignored as trite. We of all people should get it! In am place where the hope we have in Christ is daily proclaimed, yet I am overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness. We are the pharisees of this age. We can discuss the ins and outs of the doctrine of election, yet we don't lift a finger to reach out to the lost. We argue all the sides of limited atonement but refrain from sharing about Christ's sacrifice. We philosophize about the paradox between free will and God's sovereignty, while souls are perishing oblivious to the gospel. How did we become so disconnected? How did I get so lost?
What a shame it is that I am able to live in such a state of denial! Honestly, how could anyone go on their merry way when they know what I know. Maybe it is because I am not personally affected by their pain, maybe it is because they are so far away, maybe it is because I choose to harden my heart. The thing that saddens me most is how disconnected I am. I am disconnected from my suffering brothers and sisters, I am disconnected from the dying world, and most of all, I am disconnected from my Savior.
A long time ago, I used to care. I used to ask the Lord to soften my heart. I would pray that I could see the world through my Father's eyes, who looks with compassion upon the nations. I used to say that the deeper one knows God the more empathy they would have for others. I used to care. Now, now I don't give a damn. The only one I care about it me. I walk through my day, follow my schedule, spend time with my friends, and then do my work, and get my sleep. What a miserable waste of life! If only my heart would beat for someone other than myself.
Is it too late for me? Have a followed my own path for too long? Can I find my way back, or am I beyond hope? I don't know. My heart feels very hard and it is getting heavy. I want to be pure again. I want to feel compassion again. I want to give a damn. I want to hear the Lord speak and to feel His presence. I want to obey. I want to have a soft heart that beats as one with my Father. I want to freely follow Him wherever He leads. God I want to live again! I want that passion I once had, that consuming flame of zeal. That pure faith that followed undoubtedly after my Savior.
I've had enough catechism and doctrine to last me a lifetime. I don't want to talk about it anymore, I don't want to theorize about it anymore, I don't want to argue and nitpick about it anymore. I don't care about religion. All the religion in the world never saved a single soul. I want Jesus Christ. I want to know Him. I want to walk beside Him and know His life. I want to know his suffering, I want to know Him in his life, death and resurrection. That is all I care about.
I came to Covenant so that I would be equipped to engage my world for Christ. Maybe I should have just followed my heart. As I look back at the last three years and see where I have come, I wonder if maybe I made the wrong choice. In coming to Covenant I entered a bubble. I became a part of a community that is secluded from the world. My heart withered and my zeal fizzled out. I have felt the spiritual depression weighing heavily on my soul. As I look at our spiritually inbred community I am torn. My heart aches to boldly proclaim the gospel but I fear that it will be ignored as trite. We of all people should get it! In am place where the hope we have in Christ is daily proclaimed, yet I am overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness. We are the pharisees of this age. We can discuss the ins and outs of the doctrine of election, yet we don't lift a finger to reach out to the lost. We argue all the sides of limited atonement but refrain from sharing about Christ's sacrifice. We philosophize about the paradox between free will and God's sovereignty, while souls are perishing oblivious to the gospel. How did we become so disconnected? How did I get so lost?
Pangs of Hope
What makes your chest ache? What is it that tugs at your soul so strongly that your body aches? From whence comes the deep yearning for you know not what?
As I journey through this life, every so often I catch a glimpse of something amazing. It is in these times that my heart is gripped and my thoughts are stilled. Although I cannot pinpoint the source of this experience, I know that my soul is yearning. It is as if I have been given a glimpse of the unfathomable. My deepest dreams seem to be blossoming into reality. Just for an instant I do more than wonder, I believe!
The pang of hope which pierces my heart is nearly unbearable. I have tasted the inexpressible and my desire is unleashed. I want more than anything to experience the fullness of this hope. Yet I fear that I am not yet able to stand in the presence of such terrible beauty.
I think it is this deep yearning that C.S. Lewis knew and about which he often alluded:
I know this longing. It is strong enough to knock the wind from your chest and gentle enough to lead you to weep. This longing is more real than any earthly desire. It is more true than anything I've ever know. It is this yearning, this hope, which sustains me. It is a cool refreshing drink from the still waters. When my soul is weary and my mind is anxious then the Lord restores my soul with a glimpse of that place. With that pang He renews my hope.
As I journey through this life, every so often I catch a glimpse of something amazing. It is in these times that my heart is gripped and my thoughts are stilled. Although I cannot pinpoint the source of this experience, I know that my soul is yearning. It is as if I have been given a glimpse of the unfathomable. My deepest dreams seem to be blossoming into reality. Just for an instant I do more than wonder, I believe!
The pang of hope which pierces my heart is nearly unbearable. I have tasted the inexpressible and my desire is unleashed. I want more than anything to experience the fullness of this hope. Yet I fear that I am not yet able to stand in the presence of such terrible beauty.
I think it is this deep yearning that C.S. Lewis knew and about which he often alluded:
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
- Mere Christianity
"It was when I was happiest that I longed most...The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing...to find the place where all the beauty came from."
-Till we Have Faces
I know this longing. It is strong enough to knock the wind from your chest and gentle enough to lead you to weep. This longing is more real than any earthly desire. It is more true than anything I've ever know. It is this yearning, this hope, which sustains me. It is a cool refreshing drink from the still waters. When my soul is weary and my mind is anxious then the Lord restores my soul with a glimpse of that place. With that pang He renews my hope.
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