Spring Break Trip

So S.B. '07 was totally rockin'. Too much awesomeness to even describe. Just imagine my wildest dreams coming true and then some more awesome just for kicks! I don't even know if 'awesome' is quanitifiable (since I don't understand any math past geometry), but if it is then you wouldn't even be able to count the amount of awesome we had.

First of all, I got to see my freakin' family!!! And yes, they are incredible. When I realized that I might not be able to see them over the break I almost died. Then when it worked out that I could see them I practically cried for joy...okay I did. And then when I got to see them it was utter bliss. Needless to say I got a lot of love in the form of great hugs and kisses. I love my family and I want the world to know it (Aside to family: you guys totally rock my whole face off!)!!!

Second of all, I am going to have to write a book of our adventures in Ft. Lauderdale. In leiu of the book, here is the list of titles from each chapter:

1. Where does all that toll money go?
2. They have a tennis court in their back yard?!
3. 300
4. Speedos and Eurotrunks .... hmmm, gross!!!
5. We're going to see Miami Heat play, NOT
6. Stuck in Miami with no gas and useless tickets
7. The girl on the moped
8. IHOP at Southbeach: after midnight
9. Tennis for beginners (Alec can't serve)
10. Do you still say goodmorning when you wake up in the afternoon?
11. Brookstone is fun
12. Tequila Ranch is expensive
13. We're going bowling, PSYCH
14. Memorable Quotes vol. I Kellis' cracks on Alec
15. Memorable Quotes vol. II Alec vs. M.E.: "oh no he didn't!"
16. Memorable Quotes vol. III M.E. vs. Alec: "the comeback"
17. Appendix A: More Memorable Quotes

While most of these chapters require an in depth reading, I hope that the summary whets your appetite for some stories. To all those involved, wow.

Lastly, the final night at the Ryan's was so good. We had an amazing dinner of the Ryan's trademark fuzzy chicken (or was it furry?). And then we sat around and played a few enthralling card games. But as the night wound down things got better and better. We ended up sitting around the living room talking about life. We began by voicing some frustrations with our college experience. Personally, I've been struggling with whether I made the right choice in coming to Covenant. Deep in my heart I know that is where I am supposed to be right now, but I've been losing sight of my motivation. Apathy has become one of my darkest foes and I often don't realize we are in a battle until my butt is kicked. The tendency when faced with reoccuring frustration is to throw in the towel. If you know your butt is about to get kicked again, why even bother getting back in the ring? Well, that has been my reasoning recently. Depending on your perspective that can be a very logical choice. If you have nothing for which to fight then it would be wise to save yourself the pain and embarassment. But is there nothing to fight for? Is it pointless to hope?

I have found that it is not hopeless. We have more than hope, we have a promise. In fact, we can boldly stand on the fact that the battle is already won. There is something worth fighting for, worth living for. My life is made meaningful because of Jesus Christ. I have tasted a life without God, a life not worth living. I have been terrified by the thought of a universe so sterile and lifeless, void of purpose, in a word; pointless. I have wrestled with the truth so paradoxical, so mindboggling until I surrendered to its sweetness. I know I'll never fully understand the truth. But, oh it is so beautiful! My worthless soul is loved and valued by God. The King of the universe looks upon me with love. It is the kindess of the Lord leads me to repentance. I will never comprehend how the Lord calls me His beloved. I; the adulterous whoremonger who runs away to seek love in all the wrong places. I; the unfaithful bride who spits in the face of her perfect groom. I; the ever-forgetful lover who questions their Lover's commitment, while never fully trusting Him myself. I am His beloved.

That is enough for me. I will not lose hope. I will not throw in the towel. There is something good worth living for. It is the good news that the world needs to hear. Yes, it is dark out there. In fact it is downright depressing sometimes. And I am just another mess in this debaucle. But, in spite of myself, He loves me. He values my worthless soul. That is what makes this life worthwhile. There is a light of hope that pierces the darkness. And even the deepest darkness cannot overcome it! The message of love gives hope to all who hear. And that gospel is powerful. Though yet a small flame, it grows into an all-consuming fire. Our God is an awesome God.

Mission to Monterrey

Go check out the blog for our mission trip to Monterrey! I'll be going with the Covenant College soccer team.

http://missiontomonterrey.blogspot.com/

Helpless?

I love the Sabbath! I am constantly amazed when I see the work of His hand in all the great things, like the cool crisp air and the bright clear sky. Yet I am even more touched by His attention to the seemingly insignificant. I love how the Lord knows exactly what I need to hear.

Today at Rock Creek Fellowship Pastor Eric spoke about helplessness. Interstingly enough, he had prepared an entirely different sermon but decided to give this message instead. The scripture came from Psalm 86, where David cries out to the Lord. Eric pointed out an enlightening paradox. That thing about myself that I most detest is actually one of my greatest strengths. This sounds weird but it is true. It is only when I am helpless that I open my heart to God. That which I detest in myself is what brings me to my Father's feet.

I don't have any trouble seeing my own inadequecy, it is readily apparent. My problem is that instead of allowing my helplessness to drive me to my knees, I fight all the more frantically to stand on my own strength. I realize how dense I am, but I must constantly be reminded to surrender to the Lord. As Eric said, "helplessness spurs on prayer." God places frustrations in my life to impel me to pray.

Now that I understand what is going on, I feel like such a fool. God doesn't call me to be strong and stubborn as I battle. On the contrary, He beckons me to admit my weakness, and rely on Him to fight for me. I've come to realize that the harder I struggle on my own, the worse off I end up. If I can just learn to rely on Him from the start I will forego a lot of heartache.

His Whisper

Years ago I heard the Lord speak to me. I was prostrated by His glory. The radiance of His holiness was blinding, white hot like the sun. Before the Lord I become keenly aware of how insignificant I was. Everything within me screamed unworthy! You cannot be in the presence of utter holiness without being terrified by your own impurity. I fell on my face and basked in His presence. While I was shouting unworthy, He was whispering that He loved me. I could not understand why He loved me. I was detestable in His sight, yet He embraced me with His love. Oh, the warmth of his presence! To sit upon His lap and be embraced by His mighty arms. To rest my head upon my Father's breast. To be still and know He is God. To rest in His wonderful presence.

I clearly remember Him speaking to my heart. He wanted me to share this love that I had tasted. He had changed me forever when He touched my heart. From that moment I knew I would never be the same. He was calling me to share the gospel to the nations!

Now, I look back on that day. I have grown older and maybe wiser. But I have also wandered away. I have heard His call and turned my back. I have become cynical and jaded. I have hardened my heart, ignoring His still small voice. And every now and then I hear a whisper. It is faint now and almost imperceptible. But He is still calling me. Though I may have given up hope, He has remained faithful. I am still unworthy and He still tells me I am loved. I feel so far from Him and all I want is to come back and rest in His presence.

My Hardening

I was just reading a prayer newsletter from Voice of the Martyrs. You can receive updates as well if you go to persecution.com and sign-up. Each week I read stories about my brothers and sisters who are suffering and even dying for their faith. Yet I feel so distant from them. I don't know what it is like to be verbally assaulted because of Jesus, much less be physically harmed. And the more I hear about those who are suffering, the more calloused I become. Sometimes I simply delete the newsletter because I do not want to have to think about them. But ignoring their suffering does not make it go away.

What a shame it is that I am able to live in such a state of denial! Honestly, how could anyone go on their merry way when they know what I know. Maybe it is because I am not personally affected by their pain, maybe it is because they are so far away, maybe it is because I choose to harden my heart. The thing that saddens me most is how disconnected I am. I am disconnected from my suffering brothers and sisters, I am disconnected from the dying world, and most of all, I am disconnected from my Savior.

A long time ago, I used to care. I used to ask the Lord to soften my heart. I would pray that I could see the world through my Father's eyes, who looks with compassion upon the nations. I used to say that the deeper one knows God the more empathy they would have for others. I used to care. Now, now I don't give a damn. The only one I care about it me. I walk through my day, follow my schedule, spend time with my friends, and then do my work, and get my sleep. What a miserable waste of life! If only my heart would beat for someone other than myself.

Is it too late for me? Have a followed my own path for too long? Can I find my way back, or am I beyond hope? I don't know. My heart feels very hard and it is getting heavy. I want to be pure again. I want to feel compassion again. I want to give a damn. I want to hear the Lord speak and to feel His presence. I want to obey. I want to have a soft heart that beats as one with my Father. I want to freely follow Him wherever He leads. God I want to live again! I want that passion I once had, that consuming flame of zeal. That pure faith that followed undoubtedly after my Savior.

I've had enough catechism and doctrine to last me a lifetime. I don't want to talk about it anymore, I don't want to theorize about it anymore, I don't want to argue and nitpick about it anymore. I don't care about religion. All the religion in the world never saved a single soul. I want Jesus Christ. I want to know Him. I want to walk beside Him and know His life. I want to know his suffering, I want to know Him in his life, death and resurrection. That is all I care about.

I came to Covenant so that I would be equipped to engage my world for Christ. Maybe I should have just followed my heart. As I look back at the last three years and see where I have come, I wonder if maybe I made the wrong choice. In coming to Covenant I entered a bubble. I became a part of a community that is secluded from the world. My heart withered and my zeal fizzled out. I have felt the spiritual depression weighing heavily on my soul. As I look at our spiritually inbred community I am torn. My heart aches to boldly proclaim the gospel but I fear that it will be ignored as trite. We of all people should get it! In am place where the hope we have in Christ is daily proclaimed, yet I am overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness. We are the pharisees of this age. We can discuss the ins and outs of the doctrine of election, yet we don't lift a finger to reach out to the lost. We argue all the sides of limited atonement but refrain from sharing about Christ's sacrifice. We philosophize about the paradox between free will and God's sovereignty, while souls are perishing oblivious to the gospel. How did we become so disconnected? How did I get so lost?

Pangs of Hope

What makes your chest ache? What is it that tugs at your soul so strongly that your body aches? From whence comes the deep yearning for you know not what?

As I journey through this life, every so often I catch a glimpse of something amazing. It is in these times that my heart is gripped and my thoughts are stilled. Although I cannot pinpoint the source of this experience, I know that my soul is yearning. It is as if I have been given a glimpse of the unfathomable. My deepest dreams seem to be blossoming into reality. Just for an instant I do more than wonder, I believe!

The pang of hope which pierces my heart is nearly unbearable. I have tasted the inexpressible and my desire is unleashed. I want more than anything to experience the fullness of this hope. Yet I fear that I am not yet able to stand in the presence of such terrible beauty.

I think it is this deep yearning that C.S. Lewis knew and about which he often alluded:

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
- Mere Christianity

"It was when I was happiest that I longed most...The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing...to find the place where all the beauty came from."
-Till we Have Faces

I know this longing. It is strong enough to knock the wind from your chest and gentle enough to lead you to weep. This longing is more real than any earthly desire. It is more true than anything I've ever know. It is this yearning, this hope, which sustains me. It is a cool refreshing drink from the still waters. When my soul is weary and my mind is anxious then the Lord restores my soul with a glimpse of that place. With that pang He renews my hope.

The Significance of Sin

My sin crucified Christ.

If only I would keep the weight of my sin constantly before me...then will I begin to understand the depth of my savior's sacrifice...and know the gravity of my sin; the devestating effects of my selfish decisions.

My sin crucified Christ.

The Height of Hypocrisy

Why is it that I can live in sin and feel no remorse? My heart can be so hardened to the pleas of God that I no longer feel ashamed at my sin....and yet I am disgusted when I see sin other's lives. Lord God I am a hypocrite!

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! - who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied –
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine –
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life’s first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand!