I was just reading a prayer newsletter from Voice of the Martyrs. You can receive updates as well if you go to persecution.com and sign-up. Each week I read stories about my brothers and sisters who are suffering and even dying for their faith. Yet I feel so distant from them. I don't know what it is like to be verbally assaulted because of Jesus, much less be physically harmed. And the more I hear about those who are suffering, the more calloused I become. Sometimes I simply delete the newsletter because I do not want to have to think about them. But ignoring their suffering does not make it go away.
What a shame it is that I am able to live in such a state of denial! Honestly, how could anyone go on their merry way when they know what I know. Maybe it is because I am not personally affected by their pain, maybe it is because they are so far away, maybe it is because I choose to harden my heart. The thing that saddens me most is how disconnected I am. I am disconnected from my suffering brothers and sisters, I am disconnected from the dying world, and most of all, I am disconnected from my Savior.
A long time ago, I used to care. I used to ask the Lord to soften my heart. I would pray that I could see the world through my Father's eyes, who looks with compassion upon the nations. I used to say that the deeper one knows God the more empathy they would have for others. I used to care. Now, now I don't give a damn. The only one I care about it me. I walk through my day, follow my schedule, spend time with my friends, and then do my work, and get my sleep. What a miserable waste of life! If only my heart would beat for someone other than myself.
Is it too late for me? Have a followed my own path for too long? Can I find my way back, or am I beyond hope? I don't know. My heart feels very hard and it is getting heavy. I want to be pure again. I want to feel compassion again. I want to give a damn. I want to hear the Lord speak and to feel His presence. I want to obey. I want to have a soft heart that beats as one with my Father. I want to freely follow Him wherever He leads. God I want to live again! I want that passion I once had, that consuming flame of zeal. That pure faith that followed undoubtedly after my Savior.
I've had enough catechism and doctrine to last me a lifetime. I don't want to talk about it anymore, I don't want to theorize about it anymore, I don't want to argue and nitpick about it anymore. I don't care about religion. All the religion in the world never saved a single soul. I want Jesus Christ. I want to know Him. I want to walk beside Him and know His life. I want to know his suffering, I want to know Him in his life, death and resurrection. That is all I care about.
I came to Covenant so that I would be equipped to engage my world for Christ. Maybe I should have just followed my heart. As I look back at the last three years and see where I have come, I wonder if maybe I made the wrong choice. In coming to Covenant I entered a bubble. I became a part of a community that is secluded from the world. My heart withered and my zeal fizzled out. I have felt the spiritual depression weighing heavily on my soul. As I look at our spiritually inbred community I am torn. My heart aches to boldly proclaim the gospel but I fear that it will be ignored as trite. We of all people should get it! In am place where the hope we have in Christ is daily proclaimed, yet I am overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness. We are the pharisees of this age. We can discuss the ins and outs of the doctrine of election, yet we don't lift a finger to reach out to the lost. We argue all the sides of limited atonement but refrain from sharing about Christ's sacrifice. We philosophize about the paradox between free will and God's sovereignty, while souls are perishing oblivious to the gospel. How did we become so disconnected? How did I get so lost?
Pangs of Hope
What makes your chest ache? What is it that tugs at your soul so strongly that your body aches? From whence comes the deep yearning for you know not what?
As I journey through this life, every so often I catch a glimpse of something amazing. It is in these times that my heart is gripped and my thoughts are stilled. Although I cannot pinpoint the source of this experience, I know that my soul is yearning. It is as if I have been given a glimpse of the unfathomable. My deepest dreams seem to be blossoming into reality. Just for an instant I do more than wonder, I believe!
The pang of hope which pierces my heart is nearly unbearable. I have tasted the inexpressible and my desire is unleashed. I want more than anything to experience the fullness of this hope. Yet I fear that I am not yet able to stand in the presence of such terrible beauty.
I think it is this deep yearning that C.S. Lewis knew and about which he often alluded:
I know this longing. It is strong enough to knock the wind from your chest and gentle enough to lead you to weep. This longing is more real than any earthly desire. It is more true than anything I've ever know. It is this yearning, this hope, which sustains me. It is a cool refreshing drink from the still waters. When my soul is weary and my mind is anxious then the Lord restores my soul with a glimpse of that place. With that pang He renews my hope.
As I journey through this life, every so often I catch a glimpse of something amazing. It is in these times that my heart is gripped and my thoughts are stilled. Although I cannot pinpoint the source of this experience, I know that my soul is yearning. It is as if I have been given a glimpse of the unfathomable. My deepest dreams seem to be blossoming into reality. Just for an instant I do more than wonder, I believe!
The pang of hope which pierces my heart is nearly unbearable. I have tasted the inexpressible and my desire is unleashed. I want more than anything to experience the fullness of this hope. Yet I fear that I am not yet able to stand in the presence of such terrible beauty.
I think it is this deep yearning that C.S. Lewis knew and about which he often alluded:
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
- Mere Christianity
"It was when I was happiest that I longed most...The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing...to find the place where all the beauty came from."
-Till we Have Faces
I know this longing. It is strong enough to knock the wind from your chest and gentle enough to lead you to weep. This longing is more real than any earthly desire. It is more true than anything I've ever know. It is this yearning, this hope, which sustains me. It is a cool refreshing drink from the still waters. When my soul is weary and my mind is anxious then the Lord restores my soul with a glimpse of that place. With that pang He renews my hope.
The Significance of Sin
My sin crucified Christ.If only I would keep the weight of my sin constantly before me...then will I begin to understand the depth of my savior's sacrifice...and know the gravity of my sin; the devestating effects of my selfish decisions.
My sin crucified Christ.
The Height of Hypocrisy
Why is it that I can live in sin and feel no remorse? My heart can be so hardened to the pleas of God that I no longer feel ashamed at my sin....and yet I am disgusted when I see sin other's lives. Lord God I am a hypocrite!
In Christ Alone
In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone! - who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied –
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine –
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life’s first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand!
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone! - who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied –
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine –
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life’s first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand!
Pipe Dreams
How do you truly live?
What is it that seperates those few from the rest?
Certain rare individuals live great lives. Their stories inspire us to truly live.
When they die, their legacy lives on. The life they lived was worthwhile. They took full advantage of the years they were given. How did they do it? What made them great?
I do not want to live a life of mediocrity. I want this thing to mean something to somebody. I cannot just pass through my years only to look back with regret. I want to make a difference.
But alas, these are but the fading pleas of a whisp of vapor. My dreams will soon fade and I will look back to realize how disillusioned I was with this childish fantasy. Nobody really grows up to be a cowboy. Those childhood dreams are a false hope. Someday I will have to grow up and stop living in my dreamworld. Life is not an adventure, it just seems like that until you become an adult.
What is it that seperates those few from the rest?
Certain rare individuals live great lives. Their stories inspire us to truly live.
When they die, their legacy lives on. The life they lived was worthwhile. They took full advantage of the years they were given. How did they do it? What made them great?
I do not want to live a life of mediocrity. I want this thing to mean something to somebody. I cannot just pass through my years only to look back with regret. I want to make a difference.
But alas, these are but the fading pleas of a whisp of vapor. My dreams will soon fade and I will look back to realize how disillusioned I was with this childish fantasy. Nobody really grows up to be a cowboy. Those childhood dreams are a false hope. Someday I will have to grow up and stop living in my dreamworld. Life is not an adventure, it just seems like that until you become an adult.
Apathy
My whole life has been a struggle against apathy. This spirit of listlessness has invaded my life on more than one occasion. It comes upon me in a gradual almost indiscernable manner. But before long this virus has run its course. The infection grows exponentially out of control, ravaging my time and stripping the joy out of everything. I am left literally feeling sick and empty. I am nauseated with myself and desperate for something that will sustain.
What a Waste!
So it is 3:09 AM and I cannot fall asleep. I have not posted in quite and while and a friend of mine just reminded me of this fact. After she pointed this out I realized how whacked out my life has been recently. All the little unimportant things clammoring for my attention have distracted me from the big thing in life. It struck me that these past few weeks have been largely a disappointment. There were moments of sunshine, but for the most part I have frittered away my time and energy. The result is that I feel physically, emotionally, spiritually exhausted and yet I've accomplished nothing. Do you ever feel like you are steadily progressing down a path you've promised you'ed never follow? Well, that is a little bit of where I am right now.
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